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main page coaching blog comments articles contact Problèmes avec les beaux-enfants problemas con hijastros


Solutions to your relationship problems:
your step-children
and how to soften frictions between you.

My readers and blog's visitors often ask me the same question:
"I'm genuinely fond of my partner's children and really take care of them, giving them all the time they could need. But I cannot hide a certain feeling of jealousy when they are with us: my partner gives me the impression to forget us, – our child and I; I feel as (s)he's neglecting us. This causes painful tensions between the two of us. Furthermore, there are frequent tensions arousing between my
step-children and I and my partner generally is on their side against me..."

This feeling is quite understandable: unwillingly, step-children often are a genuine couple problem. However, you could think about and act on 4 points:

1. Better communication with your partner (and regular discussions all together too): you should have long and serious conversations together about that delicate subject; so you could express your expectations and agree on mutual concessions.
Maybe you could even affectionately hold their hand to help you keeping your calm.
You'll explain your sorrow to your beloved and your wish to see some change in their attitude towards you in presence of his/her own child(ren). (1)
Indeed, the enjoyment (s)he feels to see them again maybe prevents him/her to clearly realize the impression they're giving to you.
Moreover, I don't think you're really 'forgotten'! But, here we are: during a week (or a fortnight), you are everything for him/her; you got very normally used to be his/her only priority.

Then suddenly arrive "the others". In case of alternating custody, his/her happiness to see them again after this – always too long and painful – separation gives you the impression that there is nothing else important now for your beloved. Your feeling can be understood; however, it's generally unfounded.
Besides this ordeal – the separation – your partner can, in some cases, feel a relative sense of 'guilt': (s)he's not living with them anymore, to see them growing at their side...

By putting yourself in his/her place, in their shoes, you'll surely understand this pain, often a rip.
YES, this impression you get to be 'repelled' in the background is normal; and maybe it's the case, in the beginning, in most blended families, living these separations. But this impression only suits in a very relative way the reality; it's rather resulting generally, from a "projection" of your personal feelings in your mate's mind.
In other words, people don't always think what we believe they think! It's dangerous to think in their place: it's the best means to make wrong interpretations, – to believe that they have some ideas in mind... of which they had not even thought.

2. Do you think it's really necessary to put yourself out for them?? I don't think so. In a relax, natural way, try to participate to the family life, show them your friendly attention, but without "doing too much". Indeed, if afterwards you don't see any return from their side and from your partner's, you'd feel frustrated. However, nobody asked you so much.

3. It's also possible for your to join the activities of your partner and their own children: you'll then feel less left aside. Stay with them; show yourself tender with your soul mate in front of their children; so they could see how much you love him/her, how much you're both smiling and happy, how solid your relationship is.
This will help you to more easily stand the attention your beloved gives to his/her children: it's often easy to leave an ex- but it's normal to stay tenderly attached to one's own children.
The attention given to them obviously is rather important: it only can be shown a few days per month!
Any loving and sensitive Mom or Dad suffers to be separated from their kids. Each of them does their best to compensate when the children are coming. But their love for YOU is not at all put in question for that reason.

This point is essential to keep in mind: to be convinced of it will help you to improve your confidence in yourself as well in your soul mate's love. You're in love with her/him. Here is the main part.
Look for the precise origin of your pain. You'll conclude that your impression is coming from the fact that you'd like him/her to 'belong' entirely to you. Normal. But the feeling your partner keeps for their kids is very strong too...
By speaking together as I did suggest you, by explaining to her/him how much you'd like to see them tender with you too, in front of their own children, then you'll become more indulgent seeing the attention your partner gives to them. You'll think "I get him/her 26 days a month; the children only see him/her during two week-ends and a part of holidays..."

4. Even if it seems difficult to you, you'll find very positive to try with perseverance to improve communication with your step-children. You'll obviously not replace their other parent in their affection; however, with patience, indulgence, comprehension you could build an affectionate relationship with them, based on mutual respect.

With a touch of 'empathy', putting yourself in their place, you'll better understand what your partner goes through: to be separated from their child(ren) always is a painful sorrow too Every day. Did you think of it?

In the here introduced ebook-program,
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Harmony is within your reach too, – even with your step-children. Try it, you won't regret it.

____________________________
(1) If the step-children are living with you, daily conversations with your partner are still more needed. Never let a conflict or a hurting situation destroy the atmosphere between the two of you: talk together and later, possibly all together in presence of the step-child(ren). Particularly when the concern is about some injustice or a lack of goodwill / respect.





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