STOP !
boredom, routine,
frustrations and quarrels
invading your relationship

'70 Simple Ways to Boooost Your Love Life'

Going through some problems in your relationship? Don't be anxious, it's normal, you know that you aren't alone: I'm receiving hundreds of e-mails from people who went through the same difficulties and overcame them by simply applying the solutions gathered in my book. Here are some replies to real-life situations which all remain quite topical. First names are changed by discretion.

But first, a useful reminder:
       How to feel alive, free and happy, - in our mind as well as in our life as a couple?
The secret (within everyone's range) is to focus on our « adult side », - free, autonomous and responsible. How to achieve this?
By getting conscientiously free from what shrinks call « the wounded child in us », - the painful marks of our childhood's sufferings.
According to our own sensitivity, to our real-life experiences, the 'job' could be demanding: but if we 'feed' the memories of these old wounds, how could we feel adult? How to live as an adult? How to establish adult relationships with other adults?
   Our couple relationship reflects our own attitude towards our past and our perception of ourselves: if our life remains influenced by our childhood's wounds, if we're continuously thinking of them, we'll remain in the state of "wounded child" unable to take care of ourselves by acting as an adult. Like children, we'll expect from our parents or others happiness and satisfactions considered as our due.
Being both 'wounded children' in a relationship will lead to frustrations and continuous quarrels: each partner will expect everything from the other one...

Getting free from this "wounded child" frame of mind, becoming fulfilled adults needs to stop being under our parents' psychological domination, freeing ourselves from their negative judgments. Just accepting ourselves as we are, is enough for that purpose: without too severe judgments, but with honest lucidity and a certain amount of indulgent tenderness.
We'll then be really aware of our adult condition. This helps us to 'give up', to calm down our passed resentments, to cure our old wounds. These are means within our range for:
* Unlocking our mind, opening ourselves to the present and future;
** Understanding and agreeing that we are the only responsible for our own life;
*** Opening ourselves to others too to establish with them balanced, harmonious, warm and mature relationships.
« I know the problems you're facing and I know how to solve most of them: I've been where you are right now. I can answer your questions, evaluate your difficulties and give you some practical pieces of advice. I hope they'll suit your particular needs and will help you to get the pieces in place in order to start a genuine improvement in your relationship: I'd like you to feel the spark back! »
SUMMARY  

June 12, 2009
Problem: « Boredom... » Pamela Canada)

Boredom in a relationship occurs when both partners have nothing else to share than bedroom and some meals in front of the TV. However, if the two of you could show a touch of goodwill, solutions are simple and easy to implement. You just need to be a little imaginative: in every aspects of your life as a couple, you always could give your imagination free rein in order to break the routine.
If you're lucky enough to have same or similar fields of interest, tastes or tendencies you could easily find some interesting and/or entertaining activities to share - I mean regularly, on a weekly basis for example.
Indeed, many people begin to live together without really knowing the other one; they just feel a strong physical attraction. Unfortunately, love is more than that: you've to share many things in common, - particularly the same "essential values". You've to be able to communicate clearly and frankly together. You've to prove your feelings, particularly your tenderness. You've to be able to listen to your beloved. In short, you've to become genuine friends.
Trust me, if you both change your mind in that direction, you'll see quite a change in that feeling of boredom. Good luck.
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Instead of a letter today, dear visitors, I'd like to share with you something unusual: a British coach for couples, Mrs Elaine BOTHWELL, wanted to ask me several questions about my program for improving the couple relationship. You can read below the interview's transcription.
E.B.: Dr. Ivan Greindl, dds, is the author of « 70 simple ways to boost your love life - and savour it », a program described as a "conjugal life-transformer". Its simple to understand, easy to implement, step-by-step techniques and constructive suggestions will prove you how, just with minor changes in some attitudes, you can boost your love life. Ivan Greindl, developer of the 'Greindl system', brings you realistic solutions to your relationship problems. He manages his site and blog in 3 languages and responds to some of the 6-700+ emails he receives daily, in ENG, FR or SP. So he is a very popular man and he's here today to help us boost our love life... and savour it.
I.G. Thank you, Elaine, for this kind and… flattering introduction!
E.B. How can women really get men to love and appreciate them more?
I.G. Maybe they could focus a little more their attention on some points: • they should as often as possible... keep cool! I mean keeping their sense of humor instead of being touchy for unimportant reasons;
• They should express and prove their sincere tenderness;
• They should be able of some kind of 'passionate sensuousness'…;
• They should reply if possible to their various expectations with empathy (putting themselves in their partner's place);
• They should value them as well as their relationship with genuine compliments;
• They should learn to communicate somewhat in the same way than men, I mean very clearly; this includes to learn to listen to their partner, letting him speak without being interrupted, to express their own expectations too as well as avoiding innuendoes, 'allusions' - always sources of misunderstandings; etc.
E.B. What are the signs that couples miss that signal that the relationship is headed in the wrong direction?
I.G. • They don't understand each other anymore;
• they don't speak enough together;
• they don't show their kind feelings;
• they have the impression that the other one is full responsible of everything;
• they let indifference grow between them;
• they can't anymore appreciate their partner nor value them;
• they don't have any activity together anymore;
• they must realize that routine invades their love life…
E.B. Can one person of the couple work on the relationship and save it or does it have to be both?
I.G. It obviously depends of each individual situation. The logical answer of course is they have to both show a touch of shared goodwill; they have to be both conscious that something has to change - and want to act for a change.
E.B. How do couples reconnect when they have drifted apart?
I.G. • First of all by better communication.
• Secondly, by being each one attentive to the other's life, to the other's opinions, concerns, expectations and feelings;
• also by expressing how much their partner and their relationship are important in their own eyes.
• Each one also has to realize that any human person has the right to be… different. They have chosen their partner with their own qualities - and weaknesses; now they'd better accept them like they are...
E.B. Of the strategies you talk about in your books, which one or two could the listeners use straight away to repair their relationship?
I.G. • The easiest one certainly is of course, the "Seated Quarter": every single day, you choose a moment (if possible around the same time) when you're sure you won't be disturbed (phone, TV, children, dogs…) - nor too tired.
Then you sit down, « knee to knee, eyes to eyes », you show yourself open-minded and you try to connect yourself with your mate. Then you TALK together like genuine friends, with sincerity and empathy - about all you have to say or ask, during 15 minutes.
E.B. What in your opinion is the area that couples need to work on first? - based on your experience over 35 years and why?
I.G. • In EVERY couples in the world, ANY couple problem's solution begins by a better communication, - in any aspect of the life as a couple; particularly by expressing each other their own expectations and feelings. The first point to improve in any couple, at any level and for any kind of crisis is communication.
E.B. What really makes a relationship work? Is there one thing or is it different for everyone?
I.G. In my eyes (this is of course a subjective opinion), some points obviously are more important than others, for instance: communication - sharing - confidence - valuing the other - and what I call "daily maintenance" of the relationship. These particular elements are definitely valuable for every couples.
E.B. Can a man really understand how to help women? After all, isn't it men that women complain about more than men complain about women?
I.G. Are you sure of the reality of this statement?? This assertion seems to me doubtful and at least subject to discussion. ;-) ]
My answer to the question itself is that I really think so: it's a question of personal sensitivity and honesty. When you become older, you can easily acknowledge your own past errors - and this indubitably helps a lot to understand other points of view. Moreover, after having listened to hundreds or thousands of people, anyone becomes able to look at certain truths with an open mind and objectivity. For instance, as a man, I realize rather well our weaknesses; I try to understand them, as well as the reactions, frustrations and disappointments of women because of them. This way, I can suggest some simple solutions.
E.B. How you came up with your step by step process?
I.G. • First, by suggesting around me 21 'critical' success strategies. These were gathered in an effort to build a strong, tender relationship with my own wife. (They have been the basis of our peaceful marriage since... 1964).
• Second, by receiving confidences from more than 6,300 dental patients: it can be so helpful just to talk to somebody who's listening to you (when you take the suction tube off your mouth, of course!). By paying attention to relatives' and friends' experiences too, I finally pinpointed 28 key-attitudes that generally cause a relationship to break up. However, simple, minor changes in behavior allow to avoid them.
• Third, it took me a huge amount of Euros in relationship seminars and coaching, courses, subscriptions, dozens of specialized books and reviews as well as more than 8000 hours in complementary in-depth research to achieve my objective. This objective was to set-up a clear, concise, step-by-step method for fixing relationship problems and recognize the warning signs for future conflicts.
Seven years were spent looking for strategies that are easy to use. During this time, indeed, everywhere I've looked, all I have found were expensive shrinks, questionable group therapies or unconcerned psychiatrists, highly technical (often boring) books or complicated studies. And all of them were proposing the same old run-of-the-mill couple counseling programs, - i.e. programs that don't give anything you can "sink your teeth into" -, and they called that revolutionary new stuff.
Don't get me wrong: there's certainly some excellent material out there, but in the end it was all theory, none of it was practical, easy to implement: these systems obviously provide information; they can tell you what to do; the more sophisticated ones can handle some of your concerns, but they never take you by the hand, showing you how to do it, step by step!
That's why I wanted to create a different, easy-to-follow, easy-to-apply and at the same time progressive and quickly efficient resource, - suggesting solutions that you can immediately use in your daily life.
E.B. What's different about you and what you offer ?
I.G. • I'm focused on providing immediately usable, practical information, the kind of tips you can implement today with your husband or wife - and that works.
• My purpose is to offer a series of practical, daily life oriented solutions instead of "psycho-theoretic" ones.
• I'm not a shrink; it's why I'm using an... ordinary language, easy to understand, very far from their somewhat bushy, sometimes even esoteric, jargon…
E.B. Who do your strategies help the most- you answer questions from 17 year old and also women who've been married for a long time?
People acknowledges couple problems at any age… When they mention it, I checked that the average age of my correspondents generally turns around 25-45 years; the rest is situated between 12 and 73!
E.B. What makes your book « 70 simple ways to boost your love life - and savour it » particularly effective?
I think it's maybe because the ideas, suggestions and techniques people find in it are so simple that they feel they could try them: just a touch of goodwill is enough to reach genuine results and see some real changes appear in the atmosphere at home.
E.B. Would you describe yourself as a sex therapist?
I.G. Not particularly. Intimate questions and difficulties obviously concern an important part of my program but intimacy is not the first point in a relationship: seduction never begins in your bedroom! If sensuality is the only thing a man and a woman are sharing, they don't form a 'couple': it's just a rather poor, sex-based relationship. These usually don't last a long time.
E.B. Whenever I think of sex therapists I think of someone who talks exclusively about sex yet in your book « 70 ways to boost your love life », you say that seduction doesn't start in the bedroom; so where does it start?
I.G. In the various ways you behave with your partner in every domains of your daily life as a couple, of course! For example, a continuously touchy woman who recriminates more often than she shows her tenderness, or a boorish man, deprived of any kind of attention and consideration, - how could they incite their partner to be in love with them?? If during the day you never are really available for your partner, if you're indifferent to them, never attentive, often arguing for nothing, do you really think that "jumping" on them when back in your bedroom would be appreciated? Feelings and general behavior are important!
E.B. You mention in your book that after the first flush of romance has died, couples can get so used to routine that it causes the relationship to stagnate and for some couples they may think about leaving and finding another partner. But you say no, not to do that; what do you propose instead?
I.G. • To fight and defeat routine since the beginning by a 'daily maintenance' of the relationship; this means sharing a series of fields of interests, doing various activities together, sharing some essential values, sharing some friends, some tastes, ideas, opinions, some political or social engagement, some entertainments, etc.
• Another way to fight routine of course is… to have various breaks! Having nice and interesting moments together in Nature, making some funny unforeseen experiences with the children or friends, going in some completely new places for holidays, etc.
• An important part of this fight against the 'custom' obviously concerns the intimate life: changing positions, making love in several unusual places, discovering some naughty sex toys or accessories, and so on.
E.B. Every woman and indeed I'm sure men want to fall in love and stay in love with their partner for ever, and your secret to this is to 'cultivate' your love - just like you would flowers for your garden; what do you mean by cultivate your love? And how would a couple go about doing this?
I.G. • You ask me to summarize my whole e-book! Again, it is what I call the 'daily maintenance' of a relationship. It's being as often as possible able of kind attentions, able to show tenderness and consideration for the other one, to value them and more precisely, to use every possible means you could imagine to break the routine by any kind of nice, unforeseen gesture or idea.
E.B. Now seeing as though most couples go through ups and downs you give 4 steps a couple can take to boost their love life and indeed their relationship of the 4 steps which would you say is the most important to take first?
I.G. Improving COM-MU-NI-CA-TION! At every levels.
E.B. There is a fabulous quote in your book introduction: « Reconciliations 'on the pillow' never chase away all your frustrations ». Do couples tend to think that this is really a solution to relationship difficulties?
I.G. Much too often indeed… Though, the physical desire (and even a shared pleasure) doesn't solve at all a psychological crisis. The argument's cause doesn't disappear just by having some sex!
E.B. How can a couple really know what is at the heart of their problems?
I.G. The most logical way: by having a frank and sincere discussion, each one keeping their calm (and their sense of humor), each one letting the other speak without interruption and agreeing to make an exchange of efforts and concessions to improve the situation.
E.B. You mention that to have a harmonious life as a couple there are 7 conditions that need to be fulfilled. The couple have to:
1. Be genuine friends,
2. Develop and maintain communication,
3. Dare to express oneself,
4. Share and exchange tastes, activities, emotions, interests, projects, objectives, dreams,
5. Share the same values,
6. Be capable of empathy,
7. Live a harmonious intimacy.
Where should a couple start to make changes if their relationship needs a boost?
I.G. If they aren't genuine friends anymore, are they still a real couple? Thus, - again -, they have first to focus on point 2. : improving communication.
E.B. And a tip to make it easier for them to put these ideas into practice?
I.G. The easiest one to understand, the simplest one to implement, the most efficient one is the one quoted above: the "Seated quarter".
You can visit Mrs Elaine BOTHWELL's website by clicking here.
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Problem: « I have a new bf; both of us have own kids. He has 2, I have 1 and I don't know how to accept it easily. » Mary-Lou (Philippines)

It's quite normal to be frightened about this problem: you do not yet really know them and your questions about the future is a proof that you're smart and that you're accustomed to think about a problem before acting!
However, my impression is this one: if after some weeks or months you can't accept his children, you have to question yourself: "Do I really love him??"; "Could this relationship be solid and long-lasting??"
Because, you see, when you fall in love with somebody, you accept them as they are. And you certainly did understand that the link between him and his children is quite strong. WHAT you still have to understand too, is that loving his kids, giving them the care and time they need, doesn't mean he loves you less !!!
In my e-book that you have seen introduced on my website, I develop a series of useful suggestions and principles in order to reach a balance with your step- children and harmony between your partner, you and the children. These ideas are rather simple to follow, they just need a touch of shared goodwill, good communication, patience, perseverance - and love.
I friendly suggest you to read my e-book, both of you: you'll check that it's amusing, interesting… and very helpful to solve all kinds of problems you're going through in a relationship.
I wish you a future filled of happiness, tenderness and harmony.
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There are words seeming to be said for lasting...:
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt, people must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." Cicero - 55 AD
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Problem: « I am looking for true love and perfect partner but I have not yet found such person. » Berihu (Erythrea)

A "perfect" partner doesn't exist, - nowhere! You could search for her world-wide, you'll never find such phenomenon: every people in the world have their own weaknesses, you have to accept this as a universal truth.
However, the day you'll meet a person who'll make your heart beat more rapidly and if you have several important points in common with her, what you can realize is progressing together with this woman. This is rather simple, you both just need a touch of goodwill for being each other able of:
• accepting your mate as (s)he is;
• showing your tenderness and feelings, having kind attentions for her/him;
• valuing the other one by frequent and sincere compliments;
• listening to them and learning to daily communicate with frankness, as genuine friends;
• sharing with them several activities, interests, ideas, values, ...;
• expressing each other your own expectations in you life as a couple;
etc.
That way, you'll "cultivate" your love and will rapidly find harmony; that way your relationship will last.
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It's so nice to discover other people who perfectly share your own ideas: today, I received a quote that I wanted to share with you too, because it summarizes a big part of what I think! :-)
« Love is so very special yet can make you feel so lost;
It can arrive just like the springtime and melt away like morning frost.
You must find ways to nurture it: always grow your love with care,
never ever take for granted the love that you both share!
Mistakes are bound to happen, you may hurt each other's heart;
Yet don't give up too easily: it will tear your love apart.
Love resembles a bright flame that lights a dark starry night;
Never ever let this flame burn down, rekindle it with all your might!
Take a moment every day, look deep into each other's eyes,
never hesitate to show your affection - small gestures keep love alive.
Talk openly about your feelings, take time to show that you care;
treasure each and every moment because to find true love is so rare! »
[Connie Thomas Lugo]
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Problem: « I'm in love with a man but I think he doesn't care. He's 6 years younger and he lies to me. Moreover he's calculating and manipulating with my feelings. Help me please. » Lucy (IRL)

To help you? Then I have to open your eyes! And this hurts so much when you're in love (or more exactly when you think you're in love).:-)
My domain, Lucy, is trying to help people to build their relationship again, after they went through a painful crisis; this asks only one thing: a touch of sincere goodwill from both sides.
Sometimes, however, you need some moments of lucidity: to take stock, - or to split up is in some cases the only way to stop suffering.
Indeed, dear Lucy, in order to enjoy a stable, fulfilling relationship by the side of a man, the difference in ages is not the point. In the first 20 years anyway.
What you need, on the other hand, is to build your relationship on mutual trust and admiration. As I continuously repeat it, you have to share the same essential values; trust the same ideas; share some fields of interest; the same kind of upbringing; you need to have a goal together, objectives, projects,...
Shouldn't you have mistaken Love (the real one!) with a passionate desire? Passion obviously is a marvelous experience... as long as it is mutual. But if you already realize now that he's calculating and manipulating, what are you doing with such a man who destroys you??
Think about all this; ask yourself some questions; recognize with simplicity and self-indulgence that you maybe have made a mistake. And... turn the page. It's much better to live alone for some time than in a bad company.
And, in order to avoid making the same mistakes in the future, when you'll soon meet a man who'll suit you - a good, attentive, tender and trustworthy man -, well take a look on my e-book: it will amuse and interest you because it's filled of practical suggestions and above all solutions to help you in any possible difficulty you could go through in your life as a couple.
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Problem: « I'll share a life as a couple after 8 years living as a bachelor... » Alex (Scotland)

What a magnificent challenge you're taking up! Indeed these years with no constraint or obligations did mature you and make you realize the importance of your autonomy. They also sharpened the way you're judging women...
I warmly and sincerely wish you to find happiness and harmony in your relationship
Finally, it's not a very hard goal to reach, you know, - when you're following some simple 'recipes', always the same ones. Maybe you've already read them on this blog; the 7 "majors" to remember are - in my eyes:
* A good communication helped by an attentive listening: it's so important to exchange ideas in daily genuine conversations and never going to bed "with a weight on your heart".
* To moderate your 'emotional reactivity': "Why should you make a mountain with a clod?"
* Expressing your tenderness. And your... expectations. In every domains.
* Sharing the same values. And also: various fields of interest, similar tastes and ideas, projects, activities, objectives, bursts of laughter, moments filled of wonder, emotions, responsibilities, decisions, experiences, ...
* Reserving frequent moments to yourself: to fulfill one's own personality, it's highly beneficial for each of you to keep a certain part of autonomy.
* Valuing the partner and respecting their right to be... different.
* In the frame of exchanges, accepting to make certain mutual concessions in order to find compromises which are satisfying for both (win-win).
It's really like cooking, you see: you follow the recipe and the cake is delicious.;-)
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Today, I received in my in-box a funny little fable from America and wanted to share it with you. So the today's post is somewhat different! It's called « The Pastor's Ass »
A pastor had a donkey and one day, he entered his donkey in a race. And the old dear ass won!! The pastor was so pleased with his donkey that he entered it in the race again, and...it won again.
Hence, the well informed local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT-FRONT.
The Bishop was of course upset with this kind of publicity. So upset that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS…
This was too much for the bishop! So he ordered the pastor to simply get rid of his donkey. In order to obey to His Eminency, the pastor decided to give it to a nun he knew in a nearby convent.
Hearing of the news, the local paper could not refrain from posting the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!
The poor Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she too would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $100. The next day the mischievious local paper quite normally read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $100!
This time it was definitely more than too much for the Bishop; so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headline read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS NOW WILD AND FREE.
His Eminency the Bishop was buried the next day…

Moral of the story: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.
Have a great day!
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Problem: « I am 45 years old woman. My hubby is in Army. He uses to come here only once a year for some days. From last year my monthly periods isn't regular. I think this is menopause. This time, when my husband came I was hot but not wet. I want to enjoy but due to dryness, we can't. Please help me. Is there any medicine or anything so I can enjoy my sex life? Please let me know as soon as possible. Thanks & regards. » Khushboo (India)

Yes , yes and… yes. :
- Yes, probably menopause will arrive soon.
- Yes, vaginal dryness in these conditions is not abnormal.
- Yes, you'll find vaginal lubricants in any drugstore or supermarket.
BUT, you've to know (and so does your husband!) that the best lubricants are... tenderness, signs of true love, loving and long foreplay, - with kisses and caresses.
Moreover, there are so many "tricks" to better make love and enjoy a fulfilling intimacy, as for example often varying your positions and caresses, or both playing with some... sex toys, etc.
(Of course, if the problem seems to be more serious, it's not impossible that you could have a slight inflammation or infection of the genital region. In this case, any good doctor could rapidly help you.)
All this is largely explained in my e-book, the one you have seen introduced on my website.
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Problem: « My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We have broken up and got back together 3 times during this period. He broke because of getting confused, being not sure he really loves me. He always goes out with others just before we break up and continues to date many while we're broken up. We've became registered domestic partners 2 years ago and married this summer. After a while, we began to have problems: I sensed a lack of commitment from my partner. He has a history of multiple affairs and announced he wants an "open" relationship with an agreement where he basically gets to do whatever he wants... I'm becoming very unhappy with everything, feel like I have no say or control and that open relationship is actually him going out dating and not just recreational sex. Shouldn't I just get on with my life and find a partner that appreciates me and what I have to offer him (which is a lot and more than most people)? » Charles (MA, USA)

Only knowing your own version of the situation, it's difficult for me to be objective, even outside any kind of "judgment". But indeed, it seems clear to me that you can't be confident in your partner: even in the frame of marriage, it clearly appears that he doesn't want any kind of really responsible, mature commitment; he clearly shows indifference towards your happiness, he clearly wants to receive, to take, but not to give…
That's a "one-way relationship" and no one could build anything long-lasting on that kind of agreement. Moreover an "open" relationship is NOT AT ALL a relationship in which you decide to have all the sexual partners you want! An open relationship is an agreement in which you are sharing a lot of things with your partner but without being chained together all the time.
In other words, it just means that in the daily life, you keep respecting their personality, their tastes and choices, that you allow them to keep a good part of autonomy and personal freedom, because you love them and trust them.
For instance if you love classical ballet and your partner's only interest is baseball, you should both be free to choose what pleases you, - even if you're going out with friends instead of your partner. Love can't be a chain, but you have to know that you can trust your partner's love for you…
Please realize it, "open" relationship doesn't mean at all that inside your life as a married couple you may or can have sex with anyone. In that case, where should be the place for genuine feelings, for simple and pure love, for trust and fidelity? These are precious values too! Even if you aren't obsessed by jealousy.
On that subject, you can read a brief message here: " Open relationship ".
Hence, I have to agree with you: a relationship like the one you are in for the moment is not the one you need for realizing yourself. Your partner seems to only have a rather egoistic point of view, considering his will, his desires, needs and objectives as the only valuable ones.
On the contrary, in order to live a satisfying love life, you need to share with your partner some genuine and deep feelings, confidence, tastes, fields of interest, activities, various commitments, projects, dreams, objectives, etc., etc., - which form a basis to build any solid and long-lasting agreement.
Because you certainly understood it: the physical attraction alone never lasts long… and never is enough to build a solid couple!
Anyway, first of all, your life as a couple lacks of communication, it's always the first point to solve, especially in a "one-way" agreement. Without having the (daily) opportunity of calmly and confidently talking to each other, expressing your needs and expectations, without being listened to, how could you avoid all the frustrations you're now living??
Good luck, my friend.
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Problem: « How to overcome indifferences with your partner. » Phil (Manilla, Philippines)

Indifference is a symptom ! A symptom of the absence of real LOVE.
When you originally stay with a partner just because of a physical attraction, for instance, you miss something… : you forget the importance of communication, of sharing (activities, fields of interest, dreams, projects, objectives, same tastes or ideas, etc.), of the expression of your feelings, needs and expectations.
You also forget essential elements as solidarity, being genuine friends, need of being WITH your mate, - not on their side, as a housemate!
If you feel indifference, Phil, or if you feel that your mate is indifferent, well look on another side: this relationship is not the best one you could deserve, it's not made to last…
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Problem: « My husband wants anything to be continuously perfect. He's too fussy! If anything is not just as he wants, he begins to call me all the names imaginable. » Mary-Caroline. (NH, USA)

1. You have the right to be different from him.
2. In a relationship, each one obviously has to respect their partner; otherwise you... kill love. He certainly could express his expectations without insulting you!
3. Above all, he could share the domestic chores with you, or at least help you (or hire somebody) in order to see everything made as he wants. I'd say you don't have to "obey his orders". A marriage doesn't work this way and smart people understand that a relationship is something you have to build-up every day, - by mutual tenderness and consideration. And also by sharing chores.
4. By trying to improve communication with him, speaking (calmly) of your expectations, you could reach a win-win compromise. You could suggest a kind of exchange; you could make some mutual concessions: commit yourself to make genuine efforts to be still more tidy and meticulous. And on his side, ask his commitment to help you and show you the consideration due to any human person.
If both of you could show a touch of goodwill, such a compromise could revolutionize your agreement, - even in your intimacy!
5. Get used to have some genuine talks together on a daily basis; so you could take up the contact again. Speak of other subjects than the household, of course! And manage your life to have more activities done together.
6. In my book, the one you've seen introduced on the web site, there is (besides the solutions to the various relationship problems), a section which you'll find especially interesting: 'Quiz and tests'. The questions help both of you to take 'stock' of your relationship.
By becoming aware each of you of the minor changes which could be done in your attitudes, your agreement could make huge progresses. BTW, this reading will amuse an interest you, you can be sure of it. :-)
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Problem: « I'm with my boyfriend since 2 years. I'm only 17 but I know I love him and want to spend my whole life with him. The problem is that he became more and more distant towards me; when I want to talk to him about that he gets nervous and declines. Shouldn't he do his best to make me happy? What could I do to be sure of his feelings? » Cindy (NY, USA)

Maybe you'd remember that a lasting relationship is something you have to build-up together. Moreover it requires some elements seemingly difficult for you to find:
* a deep trust;
* sharing (fields of interest, same tastes, activities, objectives, similar values, etc;
* frank and daily genuine communication.
In other words, the physical attraction alone is never sufficient to reach a fulfilling relationship. Neither the unconditional love ... of one partner only.
He is "more and more distant towards you"? Maybe he doesn't want to commit any more? Maybe he could suffer from a certain routine, a form of habit? Maybe was he somewhat... charmed by anybody else (even innocently)? (This can occur to everybody you know. You can't command that kind of things.)
One of your questions needs to be qualified: "Shouldn't he do his best to make me happy?"
Indeed. But in the frame of reciprocity. Each of you has to distrust any one-way action, - it's a dangerous source of frustrations.
Hence, instead making him feel guilty with your reproaches, (even if he deserves them) it would be wiser in my eyes to ask yourself some questions:
- "Did I express my tenderness to him enough?";
- "Am I available enough and really open to a genuine dialogue?";
- "Do I tell him enough how much I appreciate his presence by my side? How much our relationship is precious to me??"
- "Do I frequently think to valorize him too? Or do I have more reproaches or recriminations for him than compliments?"
- "Do I think often enough to have some small attentions for him; to reply to his expectations, to his wishes?"
-" Are we doing enough things together? Like activities which interest and/or entertain both of us? (A sport, a hobby, a commitment...)
It should be very profitable for both to ask that kind of questions to each other in the frame of a friendly conversation, a kind of 'tuning' of your relationship.
Obviously, I hear you from here: 'We each need to show some goodwill in order to have a serious conversation; but he became so distant!"
Couldn't you try to persuade him with your most charming smile? Because, you see, making him feel guilty is inefficient. On the opposite, you both need to ask your own questions and listen to the answers with a genuine empathy (=putting yourselves at other's place).
Reading you message, Cindy, I think you'd both find a precious help... in reading my book. It will bring you a large series of concrete ideas to solve the problems you're going through (now and later). It will help you to avoid many errors you're not even conscious of, - at 17.
To build a successful relationship, you need to want it both of you; if your friend denies committing, seems distant, it's necessary for you to understand the origin of your impression. If (pure hypothesis) you'd feel that his love is not so sure any more, don't hold on to him at any price! You'd suffer still more.
Everybody has unhappy love affair(s); it's very painful but you'd recover from it. And a bad luck could lead to a new happiness, - sometimes still deeper that the first one.
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Problem: « What brings Love, understanding, harmony into marriage? » Sofia (The Netherlands)

You can only count on 'strong values':
* Always improving and maintaining communication (with genuine dialogues, daily frank conversations, paying attention to listen to the partner)
* Sharing (activities, fields of interest, projects...; a goal, an ideal, moments of amazement; responsibilities, chores, decisions,.........);
* Being able of empathy (to put yourself 'in their shoes'), in order to learn indulgence, tolerance and/or forgiveness;
* Being confident in your mutual commitment;
* Focusing on exchanges (avoiding one-way actions);
* Making mutual concessions, - unless on your essential values;
* Always keeping a part of one's own autonomy, of independence;
* Nurturing your feelings with a blooming intimate life, - without taboos or unjustified shyness;
* Moderating the sensibilities: avoiding quarrels for unimportant motives or misinterpretations (by simply asking explanations);
* ..., etc.
Adopting these behaviors brings peace in the relationship, - the first step to harmony. All these points obviously are developed in my book, "70 Simple Ways to Boooost Your Love Life". You'll find a genuine help in its information.
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This time, something unusual, - a short text I just received and I wished to share with you:
« What Happens in Heaven? I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received."
I looked around in this area: it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section. The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."
I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
"How is it that there's no work going on here?" I asked.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.
"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. "Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep ... you are richer than 75% of this world. "If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy. "And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
Also ...
"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.
"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 700 million people in the world.
"If you can attend a church meeting without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death, you are envied by, and more blessed than three billion people in the world.
"If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare. If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you are unique to all those in doubt and despair."
Have a good day, count your blessings, and remind everyone else how blessed we all are... »
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Problem: « I love my dear a lot... Off late, due to my busy life, she is getting attached to other person. She still loves me a lot. I want to get her back completely with my love and trust. What could I do? » Amir (Mumbai, Maharashtra - India)

You just discovered that, in order to live a long-lasting relationship with the woman you love, you need to be AVAILABLE...! You see, my friend, women have a continuous need: to be 'reassured' about the solidity of their relationship and of their future.
If you're daily 'maintaining your garden of love', if you daily take plenty of time to communicate with her, showing her how SHE is important; if you daily show yourself attentive to her expectations and deep wishes; if you're repeatedly expressing you tenderness with words AND with some attentions (like a little unforeseen present, some flowers, going out together,...), - why should she look elsewhere??? You'd be her God!
      They all love "to be loved", you know; they love a loving, talking, cheerful and available man. It's why I think that you will have to choose between your various priorities!...
If you really love her, show it to her: make her your first priority; manage to BE with her much more often! Tell her daily how you're in love with her; how precious is for you your relationship and her presence at your side.
ACT, Amir. Do not limit yourself in complaining. :-) Share some activities and projects with her. Aim the same goal together. I'm afraid you'll have to choose between more money or more love...

These ideas obviously are largely developed in my e-book, introduced on the website you visited. I'm sure that this book CAN help you to avoid the same errors in the future and to become happy with her, in harmony. I sincerely wish you to succeed in building a fulfilling and happy relationship for the two of you.
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Problem: « I feel a strong decline in sexual drive. My baby is now 13 months. This happened after his birth. » Louisa (RSA)

The problem of postnatal decrease of women's desire is frequent... and easy to solve! You see, as a young mother you may feel that you have simply too much to do, - and even "always more".
This can induce some breakdown or increase the normal depressive phase after any childbirth, generally due to overtiredness.
In particular if you have soon resumed your professional activities and/or get not enough help from your close relations.
You can find here below an extract of my book '70 Simple Ways to Boooost Your Love Life", related to your question:

" It’s difficult for many women to balance all the roles which are asked from them: child care and education; often, a profession, plus the journey to and from work; cooking; household; errands; taking and getting the child(ren) to and from the nursery or school, etc. -- AND mistress...
A young mother feels more acutely the "lacks" of her companion and close relations in this case. In particular, his help — often considered as little effective — in the child care, the household and marginal tasks. Too short nights do not allow a "repairing" sleep.
She may find that her legitimate expectations are not met. That easily leads to rancor or resentment. Overtiredness also, hardly incites her to show herself exuberant in bed: the urge to sleep is too strong.
Last, but not least, a slight hormonal disorder (or painful scars) can also influence this decrease in desire. Analyses and adequate hormonal treatment (thyroid hormone, growth hormone, male hormone…) (or cares the possible wounds) will restore the situation. If your gynecologist can't help you, the best is to consult an endocrinologist or a specialist in internal medicine.

The psychological aspect of the problem is, however, most striking.
It translates a state of utter confusion, the sensation of being dispossessed of one's own life by an excess of responsibilities; to always have to do some more.
Anyway, remember a point, on which one can never insist enough: talk together, explain what you feel to your partner." (...)

Especially, ask your partner to be practical: ask for some more help, ask for more attention, ask him to do his best in helping you in domestic chores: excessive fatigue makes everybody very vulnerable.
Above all, show him your tenderness and ask him to show his; ask him to caress you, to pamper you; go away for some days, the two of you alone, maybe consigning your baby to your close relations...
Ask him finally to show a touch of patience and understanding: everything will come back again if he shows some efforts too, - as it is normal for a loving partner."
You'll find a series of practical and concrete tips in my method 'How to Boooost Your Love Life - and Savor it!", in particular concerning the improvement of your "intimate" life.
My book already did help sooo many couples in the English-, French- and Spanish-speaking world! Why not YOU too?
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Problem: « Can I find love again? » Frances (Barbados)

Yes, I'm sure you will, Frances. However, "let's put all the winning cards in your game": for example, you certainly could find some attitudes or behaviors to improve - among others, towards men.
I sincerely think that my 'system', « 70 Simple Ways to Boooost Your Love Life, - and savor it! » could provide you with the help you need: you see, in that e-book, I'm talking about every aspects of the life as a couple. Particularly the points about which our parents and schoolmasters were strangely mute...:
* How to express your feelings as well as your expectations;
* How to respect and value your soul-mate;
* How to learn to share with your partner;
* How to reach a genuine dialogue between the two of you by several communication skills;
* and obviously a series of useful tips concerning your intimacy.
You can be sure of it, this large resource of information will help you to become a better, unselfish "loving person"; this will allow you to easily meet your better-half and to reach harmony in your life as a couple. You just need a touch of goodwill, a bit of generosity and some perseverance.
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« My problem: Getting over the hurdles by building trust and respect and 'resparking' the love we once had; I'd like to find new ways to save my marriage... » Amanda (AL, USA)

You did knock "at the right door", dear Amanda. You see, what you're looking for is precisely the purpose of the method I developed. I pointed the very same words you're using!
You can succeed in what you wish: just begin by applying some simple skills and techniques to improve communication between the two of you.
This is the first point. Then, learn again to SHARE with your husband: you need to do several things together, to find some common center of interest, to have some projects or objectives in common; ... and you need to share the domestic chores and responsibilities too!
When communication shall be reestablished, the trust won't be a problem anymore. Mutual consideration and respect will grow in parallel.
But you know, to realize yourselves in a fulfilling relationship, you've to live with your soul mate, - not just at his side. You need real contact, you need to aim in the same direction.
In fact, it's absolutely within your range, with just a touch of shared goodwill. Try my system now, - without any risk, thanks to my guarantee 'satisfied or refunded'.
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Problem: « It is like we are strangers now! » Walter, Vienna (Austria)

The way you write, I feel you're suffering from what you're going through. Obviously, in any couple, when partners become indifferent to each other, when they're losing any form of genuine contact, it's a signal that communication inside their couple doesn't work anymore.
Don't you think that, in your situation, it should be the first and most important point on which to focus, - COMMUNICATION?
Try to throw away any reserve or 'shyness' and talk to her without any kind of reproach, explaining: "I feel (...), WHEN I (...), BECAUSE I (...)". This is a well-known formula, called "I-messages", by the shrinks.
You'll carefully avoid using the word YOU: 'accusing' her, making her feel guilty or putting any responsibility on her, is totally useless if you want to go forward. Just calmly, gently tell her your feelings, your sincere desire to "get the spark back".
If love is still "burning among the ashes", if she agrees to show just a touch of goodwill, then you would have made a big step forward. Reaching harmony asks indeed a mutual goodwill, some efforts from both sides to rebuild something together.
A means to find a kind of "no-mans-land" would maybe to read together the book I've written on this very subject, - reaching harmony again...
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Problem: « We're not communicating. He's self-centered, not raised by a woman... » Linda (AZ, USA)

Hi, Linda. I'm Peter Nilsson, the publisher of Ivan Greindl's book "70 Simple Ways to Boooost Your Love Life!" I was sensitive to the indication you put on the form during your visit on the website: "Not communicating". You see, it was precisely the (acute) problem I went through in my own relationship, -- when I met Ivan, who later became a good friend.
Lack of communication inside couples is, at the same time so universal and so easy to solve, - you can't imagine it. At all levels of your relationship, communication with your partner easily improves if you're going step by step, forgetting a possible 'shyness', expressing your tenderness, your wishes, your expectations, etc., to your soulmate.
It's one of the most essential (and most developed) points I've learned from Ivan's method. And my wife and I are still progressing today.
I sincerely wish you the same success we achieved in improving our ways of communication -- just by implementing some of the simple techniques exposed in Ivan's e-book.
Good luck!
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Another quote I'd like to share with you, from George Carlin.
By the way it's always comforting to find people with justy the same ideas... ;-)

« HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: if it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

And always remember, - "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." »
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Problem: « My wife and I have been together for seveal months now but I still can't last in bed. » Alexander (VT,USA)

If you somewhat trust the statistics, 90+ % among men who can't 'last', have a problem of... rubbing! This only means that maybe your wife's genitals aren't lubricated enough. This can be a real problem, particularly if she's a bit 'tight'. Two possibilities here - and several solutions:
1. Do you prepare her enough? I mean, do you manage some foreplay, with caresses, kind words, kisses overall, etc.? Is she excited enough ? Are you getting her to climax once or more before intercourse?
Are you using some sexual toys/accessories during these moments?
2. Otherwise, maybe she could have some slight hormonal problem; in this case, she could benefit from consulting her gynecologist. Some ways to solutions:
1. The first is - even if you never forget to dedicate plenty of time to tender and sensuous foreplay - to use a... lubricant. If you're not yet accustomed to this kind of product, you can't imagine how much it improves the quality and the easiness of the intercourse. You'll find them in any supermarket or drugstore.
2. During foreplay, if you managed to provide her with 3 to 5 "pre"-orgasms with your kisses, caresses and sexual accessories, she will normally climax much faster during the intercourse itself. Moreover, she will be much more 'receptive' for it.
3. Do you pay enough attention to avoid routine, habit?? Women love to be surprised; they love feeling their man concerned by their own pleasure; it's why, when they're in love, they so much appreciate to change positions, to try some new tricks, to continually renew their sexual life and the ways they're coming to climax.
4. Seduction never begins in your bedroom... Do you think enough to improve or maintain the atmosphere at home in your daily life? I mean by letting her feel that you're CONCERNED by your relationship, by her happiness...
'cause you know, women always have a somewhat romantic inner side and you need absolutely to pay attention to that. That way, she could be much better in the mood for making love and you'll largely benefit of these good dispositions.
5. To find back the 'power' of your first youth, you could ask your physician a prescription of Cialis (®. Of course, you can buy it on the Internet, BUT be cautious: consulting a MD before using that kind of products is *necessary*. Indeed, some contraindications do exist. Anyway NEVER ever take more than one pill daily!
Obviously, I can't enter here in every details but I can assure you that you'll find all the information you need to improve any domain of your life as a couple in my e-book.
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Problem: « I am married since 30 yrs. We have 3 children. All are grown up. Now my wife has no more confidence on me. She says that I have a mistress and that I am spending all my income with mistresses when in fact it is not so! Everyday she quarrels with me in presence of my children. I love her but she doesn't. How to overcome that quarrel? Before I leave home for work and when I return quarrel starts. » Gopal (Mauritius)

I sympathize... What puzzles me is "How can she be so sure of your 'fault', if there is nothing true in her accusation?..."
If you're sincere and tell me the truth, the problem seems indeed essentially coming from your wife. (Contrary to your situation, usually the responsibility of a severe conflict is shared...)
However, I ask me a question: "married since 30 years, children grown up and quarrels... in presence of children." Do you mean, they are adults but still living with you?
In this case, why shouldn't you speak apart with them, asking them their frank opinion and their help? As well as what they think about their mother's bad temper and point of view?
Maybe your wife has some unsatisfied expectations in various plans and could calm herself after some efforts from your side?
The origin obviously can be a physiological one too: menopause or metabolic problems related to the thyroïd gland. (This could terribly affect the temper). Let her consult a physician.
Anyway, you can't continue like that! If your children are adults, they can earn their life and help their mother too.
Well, if those reproaches of infidelity are definitely groundless, why not trying a radical solution: leaving home and staying away for a week or two. Maybe you could stay at the home of a friend or a close relation? Should it be possible?
The shock on her mind could be beneficial in helping your wife to understand that she exaggerates and is unjust.
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Problem: « Doc pls advice: I'm 24 male with avg height of 5'7", weight, 67 kg. I'm a socially active person, handling a well established business. I have noticed that after sex, I loose my concentration power, I can't express myself that way means I loose my style of expressing and presentation and all. I become bit serious. I can't even tolerate myself. What's wrong with me? Coz that shows immaturity in me. Earlier I thought it may be coz of excess or daily sex, - so I reduced that to twice or thrice a week. But it's still the same; once a week is better but that's not possible for me. You can't call this sexual weakness, coz I'm very active during sex. Pls advice. » Amin (India) Once again, a wrong (or inaccessible) email address: Hotmail, Yahoo and other free email addesses are deleted after being inactive for 3 months! Check it.

Hello, Amin, Don't be too anxious, it doesn't seem a serious health problem.
There are several possible causes for what you feel. First of all, I think you could just be a bit tired because of too much work - or too few sleep...?
Or maybe you doesn't eat in a healthy and balanced way? Maybe you could be short of some vitamins or hormones (like D.H.E.A.)?
- On another hand, lovemaking isn't a question of physical performance, you see! Did you already speak about that, with the woman you love? A point indeed puzzles me in your message: you're only talking about YOU. Lovemaking, sexuality are activities you share...
Hence, what does your wife or partner think about that situation? - if you're living with a woman.
To really be fulfilling, lovemaking has indeed to be something you're both loving to do together, - as an expression of your mutual feelings.
Again, if you speak about maturity, you've to know and remember that lovemaking is above all a way to show your tenderness to the woman you love. It has very few to do with 'power', 'performance' or 'manhood', - but instead, with sincere feelings.
If this situation has a negative impact on your inner mind, I suggest you consult a physician in order to eventually ask him some blood analysis and vitamins' cocktail to take for a month or two.
Moreover, Amin, the reaction you experience after climaxing, if maybe a bit stronger than usual, is normal for every man (especially when tired): after climax, everybody feels more or less exhausted. This is a physiological reaction issued from the involuntary nervous system (called "vegetative" system).
Try to rest for a while in your beloved's arms after lovemaking. And above all, understand that a woman loves your kisses, caresses and tender words more than your 'power'!
Think also to ask her what she really likes... you'll think less to your own sensation of weakness. :-)
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Problem: « I am fraid he might leave me for the 3rd time... » Jeanne (Lebanon)

I understand your fear... The questions to ask yourself are:
- "Am I really in love with him ?"
- "Does he really deserve my love?"
- "May I rely on him, - may I rely on my very choice??"
Well, if the answers are "YES" to all, there is another "subsidiary" question:
- "Am I then, part of the problem? What could I slightly change in my attitudes towards him?"
Many young ladies, particularly in the Middle-East, receive a very strict, rigid, - harsh upbringing. No one learns them how to communicate with men and how to express them their expectations as well as their... fears.
No one helps them to make "the good choice" among men, to choose a man with discernment, - not only on their physical aspect, their social position, etc...
Hence, some of these young ladies lack information about the subject, - about how to behave with men and how to build a healthy relationship with one of them.
In this matter, my e-book could help you a lot.
Please, Jeanne, try to objectively reply to the questions I've suggested to you. Then, write me back to tell me the result of this little (but accurate) analysis.
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Today, I received a mail containing a nice set of ideas. I'd like to share it with you:
                                      « Old Age, I decided, is a gift. »

« I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio.
I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.
A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.
I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! »
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Problem: « Weak sex. I cannot have sex more than 5 minutes... » Amin (Pakistan)

There are several ways to help you, Amin:
1. Using "vaginal lubricant" (in pharmacies or drug stores). This helps to reduce rubbing and to last longer.
2. Having sex much more often to 'calm' your desire a little.
3. Preparing your partner, during 15 to 20 minutes (!) before the penetration itself.
This is very efficient because, with your kisses, your caresses, your gentle and tender words, your partner becomes much more aroused (and... "wet"); she even can climax before the intercourse, - and thus understand that you actually are a good, attentive and experienced lover.
4. Another efficient mean to 'last' is to show some will: each time you are feeling that your climax is very near, you move back (out of her) and stop any movement for one or two minutes. When your arousal decreases, you return in her.
Try to combine these 4 points, Amin, and I'm sure you'll find improvement.
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Problem: « My husband doesn't want to have sex with with me; he said that we must wait for 1 year! » Imani (India)

In order to give you a useful answer to your personal problem, I'd need to know more details about your personal situation... For example, if you're a very young bride (as it is sometimes the case in India), then your husband could just be very kind, not wanting to hurt you...
Try to calmly and tenderly talk to him, asking him the real reason for which he won't touch you.
Because, you see, if you are indeed very young and if he is older than you are (maybe already with a sexual experience), he already could caress yo and let you climax that way, - even without penetration for the moment...
To build a strong and long-lasting couple relationship, Imani, you need first to learn to communicate with him and express your wishes and expectations, - as well as to listen to his, of course.
Try to have genuine conversations with him everyday, without any shyness, but frankly, naturally and with simplicity.
You can speak about what you both have done during the past day, as well as about your shared future, your families and everything that you find of some interest. The important is to acquire the habit of talking together without any fear.
You see, you need both to become very good friends in order to stay in love for a long time. And for that purpose, sex is not enough, you need also a whole series of other "contact points", you need to share some activities, projects, tastes, ideas, fields of interest, dreams, etc. And above all, you always need to maintain a good, daily communication.
Think also, both of you, to often show your tenderness and to value each other's qualities and actions.
All these points are largely developed in my book, the one you have seen on my website. It is filled with a crowd of useful information. I'm sure it will help you both to build a solid relationship together.
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Problem: « Frustration, commitment... » Johanna. (U.S.A.)

- Frustration(s) in a couple relationship often have the same origin: bad communication!
If you daily talk together, have genuine dialogues between the two of you, then you can express your expectations This way, your partner is aware of your wishes and can respond to them.
You know that men generally are not very... subtle, don't you? Hence they need clear explanations: you have to tell them frankly, without any useless shyness all what you have to say; you need to get all that off your chest!
- The same for his commitment. Your message is rather brief, but I imagine that one of your problems is that he doesn't show himself very enthusiastic about that?
Well, I suggest you to slightly modify your attitude. Sometimes it's enough to look as if you "release your grip". If he clearly knows your expectations on that point and doesn't reply as you wish, wait some weeks, seeming more indifferent.
In the same time, show yourself as... unique, really original; put your imagination to get out of your habits, throw away any kind of routine. Do something with him that is completely unusual. Show yourself as different. You could even change something in your look and in your general behavior.
For example, often make him laugh, try to associate your image in his mind with joy, carefreeness and good mood.
You see, Johanna, as you have some frustrations and concerns for now, your mood probably isn't very cheerful. If your partner is not as much in love with you that you'rewith him, the risk is to seem a bit... boring.
- Anyway, in my eyes, the best attitude to have with him for now is to talk and listen to him, to do more things or activities together and to express your respective expectations.
Good luck and best wishes. :-)
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Problem: « How do I deal with honesty? I have all the honesty in the world but it seems he lies over and over again. I love him and know that he loves me but I can't live when I don't trust. » Stephanie (U.S.A.)

I understand quite well what you mean - and feel. Maybe his attitude comes from childhood's problems and wounds. So many children learn to lie because they're afraid to be 'caught': they feel to always facing injustice and then they "can't obey". For them, it's then normal to always find some excuses, to continuously disguise the truth, - even for not important things.
Later, if they haven't reached a normal adult maturity, this habit continues.
Anyway, why don't you talk about that with him? Seriously but calmly, without reproaches: just telling him how you're suffering from this attitude.
Another explanation obviously could be that he really has something to hide to you... It's why a "responsible" discussion between the two of you is so much important. (But I strongly suggest that you avoid any raising in your voice's tone. ;-) )
Indeed, a healthy relationship can't be built and can't last without trust. If he doesn't understand such an evidence, you could face some hard years in front of you.
The question is: does he love you as well as you love him?? Or does his 'love' appear above all to be a... physical desire?
Does he show you - and prove you - some genuine feelings, such as tenderness, small attentions, concerns about you and your daily life, solidarity facing various decisions or chores, etc, etc.?
Maybe a reflection and a (calm) discussion about these subjects could be fruitful.
A last suggestion for you today, Stephanie, is to share much more with him: doing some activities (sports, hobby, ...), with him, trying to spend more time together - for interesting things as well as for entertainments.
When the partners are communicating and sharing, half of the way down to a better love life is done!
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Problem: « Been seeing a girl for 3 years now, who just wants to meet and doesn't want any love relationship... What can someone do in this case to have her fall in love with me? » Bryan (Japan)

Your situation is rather delicate indeed: the origin of her 'indifference' can be multiple! For example:
- She could have love feelings for... someone else;
- She would well have a love relationship, but with someone of the same country / education / social background / religion / fields of interest or other criteria...
- Maybe she finds you very kind but possibly looks for a guy with more money or a more important job...
- Maybe she prefers for now keeping focused on her studies, or her job or her family,...
- Maybe she'd prefer to meet a man with another kind of physique, or more sturdy, or more romantic, or more 'refined', polished...
- If she's Japanese and not you, maybe she's scared about a relationship with a foreigner?

You see, there are a lot of possibilities. If you think that the reason is not mentioned above, just try to have better communication with her: be frank, D A R E!   ASK her!
Another way is to make a lot of things together: so she will know you better and maybe discover some of your qualities that she never noticed. For example, women love men who make them laugh or men who are very reliable, etc...
Anyway, in my book, you'll find a large amount of information on how to build and maintain a long-lasting relationship; trust me, you'll certainly find there a series of useful ideas!
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Problem: « What are the effects of a parent's infidelity on children? » Ray (U.K.)

You obviously understand that these effects are depending of your kids' age, of the circumstances and also of their own sensitivity. They of course are afraid of what they don't understand and of what they don't know (possible separation...).
Generally children are deeply hurt by what they feel a betrayal, an incomprehensible and despicable injustice.
An important point is to keep them away from any discussion or argument concerning a present infidelity: it's an adult problem to be fixed between adults; being witness of their parents' conflicts always is traumatizing for a child. The large range of negative effects includes: incomprehension, fear of abandon, anxiety, serious school problems, enuresis, strong emotional disturbance, nourishment disorders, character's imbalance, depression, rejection of the adults' world, despising and even... hating, etc.
Another difficulty usually is that they're too young to understand the infidelity's first cause, its real origin. Hence, they are judging without knowing and they show strongly negative feelings against the 'guilty party'. Actually, they can't understand that, if you find what you need at home, why the heck would you look for it elsewhere?? Because you're fond of problems?
Children's character is uncompromising, their reactions unbending; for that reason, in their eyes a cheating parent is guilty of a very disappointing deception. (Their judgement always is in black and white...)
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Problem: « I have ED and use a pump; how far should one go in foreplay, if she likes it all? » Alexander (CO, USA)

I presume that by ED you mean erection disorder? Don't forget that foreplay is not just a way to bring her mechanically to climax before the intercourse itself! Psychological aspects have their importance too 'cause they all are sensitive to caresses, kisses, compliments, nice words, tenderness... and a touch of romance! All this could improve a lot the quality of intercourse as well as the one of your couple relationship itself.
Using some sexual toys or intimate accessories during foreplay also can be a good idea; but keep in mind that your soul mate is not just a body, she has a mind too. ;-)
Seduction never begins in your bedroom: you can 'prepare' her for hours or days "before", by your general behavior with her; by your cheerfulness, your attentions, your consideration to her needs and expectations. 'Penetration' itself isn't all what she needs...
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Problem: « My husband and I are very different (education, tastes, upbringing…) and we argue ceaselessly. But something in my heart 'binds' me to him; I can't manage to leave him! I cannot imagine myself with somebody else because I know he loves me truly and we've lived very good moments together. I believe the problem is in me: when I say to him "I want to go away, make your own life with somebody else!", he replies that he wants a child with me! What to do, when living with somebody like that?? I know that if I don't want to leave him, then I need to stop criticizing him and accepting him like he is, - without trying to change him or wishing to see him fit the criteria of the ideal man...» Elena (Canada)

You at least made a clear analysis of your situation. ;-)
1.The first part of the solution, dear Elena, is to re-learn to COMMUNICATE with him, as well as to moderate your emotional reactions. You are different? O.k. Then, it's indeed necessary to accept him or to leave him. (To see more clearly what to do here and how to do it, you don't imagine how much my book could help both of you...)
2. You have to do more things together, to share: make him discover what you like, instead of quarreling because you don't always like the same things. Show your interest for what he likes too...
By each of you making some concessions, you could get out of there, - not by holding at any price on your positions, wanting each one to be right!
3. A child will not move you closer. Never believe people who say you that a baby brings a failing couple together again! It is false. When enjoying a harmonious and balanced life as a couple, having a child together is the most wonderful experience. But your agreement has at first to be good. Otherwise the baby's presence will stress your conflicts: you'll be tired, so much busy with the baby. Your husband will feel frustrated because you'll be not as much available as before for making love. And also, because you'll take less care of him all the time... A man needs a genuine maturity to understand and accept that the baby's presence not only means good moments, but also a huge responsibility.
It's also the synonym for very bad nights - during months; the anxiety about his/her health; the continual tiredness due to the lack of sleep; the sexual desire often pushed aside; a considerable series of new concerns... and expenses. In a word, the complete turnover of your life as a couple!
You'd better think of all this before making a kid, Elena. Besides, as your agreement will not improve because of the presence of the child, you'll both wonder why; you'll again want to leave but this time, you'll have a baby who needs his two parents.
Think about all this, Elena - and read my book! :-)
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Problem: « Hello, honourable director. After ejaculation, my wife says: ' Did you finish? I do not sense your semen!'. My wife does not have any sense with my semen; is it normal? Or should she know when I ejaculated?" » Mahmoud (Iran)

This is frequent and not "abnormal". It's related with your own hormones' blood concentration, as well as with the ejaculation's "strength" and with the quantity of seminal liquid - which is very variable.
On another side, the sensibility of women about that point obviously is not always the same.
You'd better focus yourself on her orgasms and her possible 'ejaculations' (20% of women), instead of being concerned by this pretended problem: it's NOT a "problem" - even if it is indeed 'mentally' more exciting for her to feel your climax. Anyway this has nothing to do with your manhood!
In my e-book, you'll find a lot of practical ideas and suggestions on how to improve or revive your intimacy with your wife. She will be very grateful to you when you'll let her discover several positions, intimate caresses and sexual "toys" that will increase the number and strength of her orgasms, particularly during foreplay.
Because the majority of men are above all concerned by their own climax, this reading will enormously and rapidly help you both. :-)
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Problem: « I take a long time to get an orgasm. » 'Golden Hair' (Bermudas)

May I presume you're a girl? Sometimes reaching orgasm is indeed difficult. There are many possible causes. The most frequent one is when your man doesn't 'prepare' you enough and (consequently!) ejaculates too quickly...
If he takes plenty of time for a very tender and loving foreplay you'll already climax one or many times, before the intercourse itself. Your genitals will then be perfectly lubricated. This way, the 'rubbing' is less important... and your lover can resist much longer. So, you can climax too. Period.
[Sorry to seem a bit rude, but in fact you can determine the real origin of your difficulty in a very simple way...: if you easily climax when you're caressing yourself, you know that, with him, the foreplay needs to be more 'efficient'... To be complete, some health problems can have an influence too: a small infection or a hormonal deficiency. This can be solved by your gynecologist.]
OBVIOUSLY, an orgasm isn't only a question of technique! To reach sensual harmony, you can't underestimate the importance of feelings, of love, of a good agreement between the two of you: this helps a lot. As well as your psychological preoccupations, or anxiety about being pregnant, etc.: these have to be solved before everything, if climaxing is difficult for you.
You have to be relax, - just thinking to love and be loved. Of course this implies that your partner's love is a priority for him, before his personal desire and own pleasure...
You'll find a 'mine' of information about intimacy, foreplay, fantasies, naughty games and accessories which will improve your sexuality and the pleasure you feel in lovemaking, in my e-book: « 70 Simple Ways to Boooost Your Love Life ». Read it, both of you: it's amusing and interesting but, above all, this reading will help you.
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Problem: « Which ways do you know to show your love when you're shy? » Patrick (IRL)

This is a good question, - that means 'difficult to answer'. However, I'd suggest several ways:
1. A tender look; keeping your eyes continuously 'attached' to hers, with a loving expression: a woman quickly understands this kind of attitude;
2. Without any exaggeration or insipidness, valuing her, doing her some nice and sincere compliments, - obviously not the ones of any ' womanizer ' (you certainly know what I mean);
3. Smiling to her with your eyes;
4. Managing some pleasant and interesting activities and/or going out together: by increasing the occasions to meet her, you'll speak together more often. So, you'll progressively learn to better know each other and you'll become closer;
5. Writing her a short and very kind letter: this way, you can carefully choose your words and tell her more easily what you want her to know. Don't be too romantic (you don't want her to think you're old-fashioned), but just kind and respectful. You could tell something about her two or three qualities you prefer.
6. You have to know that if she is fond of you (and hopefully less shy than you are), she'll act too! Don't be too anxious, let trust to fate. :-)
Good luck.
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Problem: « Can I get my life back after a violent relationship? » Charlene. (CA, USA)

For God sake, of course yes! WHY NOT?? I understand that you could be marked for life by fear, suffering and injustice. However, don't think your personal value is changed: keep your self-esteem and believe in all the possibilities you have in yourself that have still to be developed.
You have to realize that most men are not violent with their partner, - instead of expressing their love and tenderness. You will not have a long wait before meeting a kind man; a man who will make you forget your sufferings and your fears; who will be with you to love you, to help you, to respect you and to protect you.
In the past, you seemingly met a neurotic kind of guy and this was a horrible experience because you didn't immediately find the moral strength to dare to break off and go to the police.
As many women, you were so kind that at the first times you did forgive, hoping it was just an 'accident' and that he could change. Later, it's too late because you somewhat feel ashamed and... guilty. But you aren't!!
In my eyes, every woman must realize that a man who cannot control the violence of his own reactions towards his partner is also a risk for his (future) child(ren). Such men never change. In many cases they were themselves victims of violence in their past and reproduce the same pattern.
THUS, if you're victim of conjugal violence, you only have two things to do since the first time, in order to ensure your future protection and the one of your possible children:
1. Let make a medical report;
2. Even if you feel ashamed(!) - lodge a complaint to the police.
On another side, you'd better get ready to leave him: if not immediately, then when he'll hit you again! The more you stay, the more you'll suffer and the situation will inevitably get worse and worse...
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Problem: « I snooped and found out that he answers internet e-mails; he says very provocative things, he e-mails friends with not so nice things said about me. It basically is a trust issue now that I keep trying to make excuses for. He does not know that I know. » Mary (FL, USA)

Like most of couples after a while, the two of you seemingly are going through two major difficulties: communicating and fighting the routine, the "Habit"!
If you still love him despite what you now know, if you genuinely wish to (re-)build you relationship on a healthy basis, well, what could I say you better than... "read my e-book!" ;-)
I'm sure it will help you a lot in every domains of your life as a couple, - included your intimacy.
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Problem: « I'm in deep love with a girl who is a Christian and I'm Hindu. We both love each other honestly and we can't stay without each other. It's next to impossible for us to be departed. We want 2 marry but now the problem is that my parents and family are against that, they said that I have 2 choose: either family or that girl. Now I can neither leave my family nor my lover. So pls advice me. » Ray. India.

If you think again about your problem, it really seems that your family still reacts like in the 18th century or before! Their attitude is completely... old-fashioned. Of course I know that every country has its own customs and habits, however, being a Christian is not like having a venereal disease!!!!! ;-)
500 years ago, there was in England a guy, called William Shakespeare; you heard of him? He wrote some eternal master-pieces for the theatre. One of them is a tragedy, called "Romeo and Juliet". (Two teenagers from two enemy families, in deep love too).
Well, maybe could it be understandable to see a problem like yours between two lovers from two enemy families or countries...
But from two religions? WHY? Anyone has the right to be and to think differently, - even in a couple. This is a fundamental principle for any society of the 21st century.

I see two possibilities for you:
1. You love each other? You're both fully sure of your feelings, perfectly trusting each other? I mean it's not only your mutual desire that you're sharing? You also have common values, you share the same tastes, ideas, opinions, projects,... etc.; you both sincerely want your soul-mate to be truly happy in the frame of a fulfilling harmonious and long-lasting relationship?
If yes, then you'd talk calmly, respectfully and cheerfully to your parents. Tell them that you'd infinitely regret the choice they impose you but you couldn't accept this choice. Period.
Ask them to meet your fiancée; so they could appreciate her qualities.
If they don't agree, quit them - not her! If you quit her, you'll regret it for your whole life and you'll begin to hate your family. Anyway, when she will be pregnant, if your parents are "normal", they couldn't resist opening their arms to her.
You see, Ray, I, myself, made this very choice: my parents didn't accept my marriage because I was (and still am!) 8 years younger than my wife. Moreover, at this time I hadn't finished my studies.
Indeed, I didn't see my parents for 3 years. Then they heard that my wife was pregnant and they understood that you never can't do anything against true love :-)

2. Become independent. So, you could "try" a common life as a couple for a while. That way, after 6-12 or 18 months, you both could be sure that your love is the strongest and you could marry her.
During this "trial" time, your fiancée should of course daily take hormones in order to avoid any pregnancy, - or you could yourself use condoms.
I know: you'll probably tell me "But, living together before being married is against morality!"
Yes, my friend, but listen to me: YOU and YOU ONLY are responsible of you own life and happiness. NOT your parents, family, religious community, friends or neighbors! No, - you alone. HENCE, don't let them decide at your place what you have to do. It's you who would live with eternal regrets, not them.
I obviously don't know how old you are. But this isn't the point. No, the point is: are you both sure that your feelings are long-lasting, that this isn't just a temporary physical passion??
If you are sure of it, you'll both find the courage and determination to reach your common objective: living together.
If you're too young to live presently as independent married people, "try" a pre-marital life as a couple. Why? Because, you see, living daily with someone can be marvelous in the first time.
But the passion rarely last, because of the differences in characters, the other one's faults, the way (s)he reacts, their sensibility, and so on.
It's why a "trial" is a good way. I made it for 2 1/2 years: I had an uncle who had told me, "When I purchase a suit, I try it too..." ;-)
And listen: it began in 1961! At this time, we also were religious and living together before being married was a strictly forbidden "sin".
Sin or not sin, - the priests or religious ministers didn't care at all of our happiness... This was our job.
Ray, I'm not aware of your own situation, age and financial status, local or religious customs. It's why I just can give you my personal and subjective opinion.
However, the choice of your life must be yours - not the one of your parents and family. They have had their own life and sorrows. You have to make your own experiments...
Because you don't seem to already have any passed experience of a life as a couple, my book shall be very useful to help the two of you avoiding the common mistakes made by young couples, - notably in terms of communication and intimacy.
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Problem: « Orgasm... » Virginia (CT, USA)

Dear Virginia, Your - so concise! - message seemingly translates a delicate problem... I could try to help you the best as I can, with pleasure, about this subject; however, in order to usefully help you, could you please give me some more explanations about you (age, health, relationship)?
Are you feeling some difficulties to reach orgasm with your partner - or alone too? In both cases, I can assure you that this can be solved. :-)
The important point is to determine the exact origin of the problem. Indeed, there can be:
- Psychological causes.
Examples: if your partner needs to be more attentive to your pleasure, to sensuous foreplay, taking plenty of time; if intercourse are too fast; if they're lacking of tenderness; if the two of you need at first to improve... communication or solve some tensions; etc.
- Physical causes.
Examples: sometimes, even after tender foreplay, female genitals lack lubrication or seem too 'tight'.
This is so 'mechanically' stimulating for the man that he often can't resist more than a few minutes... Generally, a way too short time to fully arouse his beloved. (A loving soulmate rapidly finds the remedies: tender words, wet kisses, or... lubricating cream.)

But, if your relationship perfectly fulfills you on a psychological point of view, if your partner comes up to your various expectations, maybe you'd have some hormonal or medical slight problems.
To eliminate this particular cause, consulting your gynecologist should be a good idea.
Don't hesitate to write me again, Virginia: I've a "large ear" and I'm sure that my program " How to Boooost Your Love Life, - and Savor It!' should be of a great help! ;-)
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Another post today to reply to a website visitor's unusual question.
Question: « Could you quote me just 10 words to reach harmony in your life as a couple? » Alexander P. Sacramento (CA, USA)
I'll do my best to try. I think my choice should be (in alphabetic order):
* Communication
* Empathy
* Indulgence
* Intimacy
* Listening
* Seducing
* Sharing
* Synergy (mutual aid & action)
* Tenderness
* Valuing
Now MY question is: in what order of importance do you classify them? :-)
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It's difficult to list all the powerful information this method contains; but here are some of them:
* If you require inner strength and a second breath in your relationship;
* If you want a fulfilling sex life, - which can be just a consequence of improved communication!
* If you're looking for a good plan for improving and enjoying your relationship;
* If you know what to do but need to do what you know,
then you need to read this e-book and implement its techniques. I'll provide you with amazingly useful information but I can't take action for you.
Don't let that happen, start moving forward by applying what you read: only YOU are responsible for your success. If you want to experience something different you have to be different.

"Most people never run far enough on their first wind
to find out they've got a second."(William James)

In « 70 Simple Ways to Boooost Your Love Life » you'll find easy, practical and efficient solutions to boost every aspects of your relationship. Living again with your soulmate, the Passion, Harmony and Romance of your first dates now is within your reach!

CLICK HERE
for instant info
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